A Life Unshared

As I drive, optimism in my mind

A beautiful road, full of hope

Little did I know, the bumps on its surface

I wasn't hoping it to be a smooth ride, but it didn't have to hurt like

Like a thousand punches on the stomach, Not a single blow, but a constant barrage throughout, a constant, aching reminder

All the efforts put, the dreams it flashed and then took with itself

It's a chilling afternoon, the Sun hasn't shone for a couple of days now and the sky appears gloomy and dead. It's as if not only the Sun is lost, but also the feeling of contentment. There's something about December—chilling winds, long nights, and the feeling of emptiness.

A debilitating feeling of loneliness encircles Darkness as he sits and waits for it to dissipate. He doesn't know how it will though, as he has been waiting for as long as he remembers. There are moments when it does subside, but always finds a way to resurface. He has no choice but to accept that loneliness will stay on with him forever, and he cannot escape from it. This acceptance however hasn't made it easier for him to process or cope with it.

A lot to share, but with whom?

Have you ever experienced the crippling fear that your stories and experiences would remain forever hidden within you? Darkness often thinks about this, how he has so much to share—his hopes and dreams, his love and affection, yet there has been no one to receive them. There have been moments of light when he found people with whom he could create the world he longed for. He did create it, however briefly. He enjoys the solitude, a little too much at times, but like anyone else wants to be 'found'.

Where do I belong?

Darkness longs for a connection, often making attempts to meet and know new people. He seeks to find a connection which isn't superficial, one with meaning and purpose. He doesn't just want to have people in his life; he wants genuine connections. He understands that he won't always find people who understand him. However, he has found a very few with whom he connected deeply, but those people are not in his life anymore, in fact long gone. He often asks himself if he even belongs here, among the empty world full of people. He continues to find and create new connections as he has hopes, albeit in the face of failed connections.

A Glimmer of Hope

Darkness finds a flicker of light when he meets a woman he finds interesting. Perhaps she isn't and it's just him projecting his hopes onto her. His own projections give him hope and a sense of belonging. Ever since she stepped in his life, his world has become less dark. She's the light that shines bright, perhaps too bright to obstruct the other person's vision. He finds himself generally in a good mood after meeting her. Butterflies flutter in his heart, and he catches himself smiling at random moments. Everything seems perfect, he wonders if it's too good to be true.

And He Messes Up Again

He's excited and is invested too much in her that when things don't materialize, he breaks down; it appears to him though his dreams, although unrealistic, have been shattered. He's confused now and thinking too much about where he messed it up. "It was all going well!". He accepts and respects her decision though and think of moving on from that very moment. He thinks to himself, that it's always the same story. It's always him messing things up in one way or another; too much investment, neediness, he thinks to himself. It's as if some people are simply unlucky in life, destined to miss out on certain experiences, love being one of them and him being one of those people. He's going through lots of different feelings and sadly these will linger on for a while.

Darkness writes as he does now often, to cope with difficult feelings:

"While the notion of life not being perfect is understandable, so too is the reality of rough days, rollercoaster of emotions, and moments where nothing would make any sense. And that's okay. It's okay to feel that out; I've been letting myself feel that; allowing myself to be sad. Repressing anything wouldn't do me a favour, but expressing and acknowledging them would help process them. The overwhelming feelings arise, and while we're often told to focus on good, but I'll let myself ignore that for a moment and shower in the feeling that I cannot express, only feel.

I'm often overcome with sadness and hopelessness, thinking of all I want to share, yet there's no one to listen. How I want to share my happy and not so happy moments. How I want to love and get myself loved. How I want to feel safe and create the same space. How much I have to give but nobody to take. No I don't want to feel hopeful, I don't want to imagine a fairytale where I drown in love and affection. All I want is to feel the sadness and the pain that accompanies it; feeling of never being found; hidden in the shadows.

I dread the weekends, I hate when they're around the corner. A stark reminder of all the things missing in my life. The days get longer and the nights never end. The mind races and there's nothing to silence it. I like the solitude but it's the loneliness that kills me, bit by bit. A zillion words to say but no ears to listen to them. Plenty of feelings to share and feel, but nobody to receive or reciprocate them.

Come and sing me, sing me asleep. I cannot do this on my own."

Oh winter you arrive, you're giving me hope

I'm full of energy and ready to take on anything

But you shatter most of them, as we reach mid of the course

We're far away from home, I cannot seem to go back now,

I have come so far, I have given so much,

I have driven so far, and have not seen much

But I guess I have to find a way back or do I keep treading the same path?

Going Back in Time

Darkness hasn't always been someone who felt he didn't belong out there with people. He used to have friends, friends he'd play with, spend time with and have fun. However, as he grew up, he started feeling more and more left out, and started feeling the need to change himself to fit in with the group of people. He never became that person, who would 'fit in', although he tried a lot. He could only maintain the facade for so long, the mask that made him look similar to others. There had only been very few people that understood him and had a great relationship with him. He had always been grateful for them, however it wasn't enough for his social life to survive, which kept on descending like the Sunset over the horizon. A horizon he continues to chase, understanding now that it can never be reached, only cherished as a soothing vision.

He Writers His Own Life

The winds of change are around the corner, inviting Darkness to embrace them and be carried wherever they may lead. The winds have been present before, however Darkness hadn't allowed himself to be carried by them. Perhaps they weren't strong enough then. Nevertheless, he will go on with life, with confidence and hope. Will tackle the problems, take on the challenges and seek discomfort. He hasn't found any light he sought, instead he is embracing his darkness and will build life around it. He understands not everyone will like the dark he accompanies, and that is okay.

We go and grow, and we steer through the wind and storm,

The weather goes from one end to another, it is always changing,

So why don't we?

Do we give in when it's stormy and cold?

When the road is tough and with rough patches?

How much of a choice do we have? I think plenty.

---

To those who have felt lost and alone, this one's for you. May we all find the connections we crave.