Relapse

The quiet is violent and noisy. 

My mind is trying to catch up with the speed of light,

while my body feels weak and frail. 

Immobile.

I feel nothing yet everything at once —

how can it be true?

My life, a puzzle I'm trying to solve. 

Rationalizing my feelings and behaviors,

maybe that's where I lost the plot. 

The burden of being self aware, 

and the guilt of doing it anyway —

again and again. 

While I repeat the same mistakes. 

Carve the same path. 

And I haven't found water. 

My self worth is in the dirt, 

I'm searching for it.

I feel nothing.

[I'm nothing.]

A ripple in water, a light that flickers. 

You can see it but there's more. 

I'm screaming inside,

I know you can't hear me.

[I wish you fucking could, read my mind,

hear me wailing.]

I'm empty and the void is wide again. 

I know you see me.

[You're a fool to believe she could be with someone like you]

I know you are there in your own way. 

[I wish I didn't feel deeply, I wish I were cold, stoic like the metal I was. 

Then maybe I could've been loved like I wanted to, or at all.]

Fight or flight, from dawn to sunset. 

Energy of a toddler and nervous system of a POW. 

It's dark, but the sun will rise again. 

I'll try. 

[Again?]

Again and again.

[It's all so hopeless.]

This is not the end.

My anxiety and insecurities are a part of me but they're not me.

I've got another face, and metal's the one I'm shedding, piece by piece. 

It's not you honey.

The battles are mine to fight, and mine alone. 

You just touched upon something that wasn't touched for so long. 

This will pass too, and I'll be okay, one day.