#MeToo: Unlearning My Biases, Understanding the Real Fight

One day, I stumbled upon a post from a subreddit on "Men's Rights." A subreddit is essentially a community that can be thought of as a digital space. I was intrigued by the name and description of the subreddit and asked myself, “Haven't men been given every right that constitutes a human right?”, and a follow-up, "Shouldn't we be discussing human rights instead, as men aren't discriminated against based on their sex, it's the women?" Nevertheless, as a cis man myself, I kept an open mind, as I do understand the challenges men face.

After going through some of the posts, I found that instead of discussions about the unique challenges men face, the subreddit was overwhelmingly dominated by posts about women. Very surprising! So I spent more time and saw a lot of 'fake' allegations surrounding sexual assault and rape - well, at least those are related to men in a way. However, the whole agenda, or at least what's being posted there, seems to be more about women than men and gives a sense that the focus of the whole space is on painting women in a negative light, often with accusations of cruelty or manipulation.

Well, I wouldn't call that men's rights. There are so many issues men face on a day-to-day basis, lots of expectations, lots of deadlines to meet and lists to check, and there are hardly any women who are responsible for it.

The recurring theme was the emphasis on the supposed prevalence of false accusations of sexual assault and rape against women. This narrative not only undermines the movement like #MeToo, whose purpose was to encourage survivors to come forward and share their stories; stories that had been buried somewhere, the scars of what those survivors have been bearing for so long. Let's delve into the idea of false accusations and the real, complex issues related to gender, power, and the #MeToo movement as a whole.

The 'Fake' Allegations Myth

Does anyone ever have a first thought that this person is lying that they had their car stolen? Usually not. It’s very rare that someone gets their honesty questioned when they ask for help. So why, when a woman reports a sexual assault, is the first reaction often skepticism and even outright disbelief? Does it have historical significance as women have had lesser rights, and resources and hence the lack of forthcoming in such cases? And when they do come forward, their voices are systematically silenced and their experiences dismissed. Or is it that men are too accustomed to the idea of taking advantage of women that any forthcoming is seen as a threat to the 'manhood'?

There's been evidence that suggests multiple factors contributing to the initial reaction of questioning the 'victim' when crimes are committed against women. Historical power imbalances, limited access to resources, and pervasive societal attitudes that blame victims while protecting a distorted view of "manhood" serve as key evidence explaining why women who report abuse are often disbelieved and unsupported. The tendency to question women's accounts isn't limited to cases of sexual assault or domestic violence. Even for crimes ranging from theft to fraud, women are often met with more scrutiny than a man reporting the same crime. This pervasive skepticism and automatic response of 'doubt' is what fuels the myth of 'fake allegations.' This further creates an environment where women do not report the crimes, fearing the lack of support and systematic retaliation. 

Rise in Misogyny

A generation that looks up to misogynists like Andrew Tate and similar men can only further their pursuit of demonizing and hating women. In November of 2024, Tate’s ‘Online University’ data was leaked by hackers. It exposed the data of 800 thousand users - 800 thousand lost souls! If you aren’t already familiar with him, he dominates digital spaces, primarily over Twitter (Now called 'X'), that have the sole focus on painting women in a negative light - that might be an understatement - I should call his space as having the sole purpose of hating women. He lives off hating women, for no other reason than, well, they are women. He and his brother have been accused of rape and child trafficking. No surprises there considering the hate he spews every day of his life. A study conducted by Sage Publishing highlights the impact Andrew Tate's platform had on boys aged 13-14 in London during the summer of 2022. The study found that Tate's content led to the rise and normalization of misogynistic ideologies among young boys.

Social Media has fueled the hate that would otherwise stay in the corners where they emerge, now they carry the traction and influence others. I wrote a while back on its impact.

There are many studies that support Social Media’s role, and the blame is not entirely on those who spread the hate, it’s on the very platforms that give them a voice and amplify such content through their algorithms. A study by UCL found that TikTok's algorithm significantly increased the amount of misogynistic content shown to teens, normalizing harmful ideologies. An Observer investigation reveals how TikTok is promoting Tate’s content. A study by the German Marshall Fund and the Institute of Strategic Dialogue found that gendered disinformation campaigns target women in politics, posing a national security threat by spreading false information and undermining credibility. A study in PLOS ONE found a significant increase in misogynistic content on Twitter in India during COVID-19, identifying six forms of online misogyny, including sexist abuse and sexual objectification.

The Prevalence of Sexual Harassment and Assault

Let’s imagine a world in which one in three women has experienced any form of physical or sexual assault in their lifetime. Sadly this is the reality of our world, as confirmed by the World Health Organization. Let me break that down further, one in three translates to roughly 736 million women worldwide—a number so vast it's hard to grasp. This means one out of every three women have endured this deeply personal violation. This statistic takes on a chilling effect when you picture every woman you know: your mother, sister, daughter, friend and colleague.

Although these numbers are alarming, it’s important to note that marginalized groups of women such as POCs and LGBTQ+ experience disproportionately higher rates of sexual violence due to intersecting forms of discrimination. According to the WHO, the majority of the violence against women is inflicted by an intimate partner, someone who should be a source of love and support.

These statistics are likely just the tip of the iceberg since many factors like stigma, fear of retaliation and lack of reporting mechanisms mean that many countless cases go unreported and remain hidden in the shadows. This global crisis paints a picture where women face violence in every corner of the world across cultures and religions.

The Spectrum of Harm

I had grown up in a very conservative environment, which explains why I viewed feminism as women trying to force their ways upon men; to get whatever they desire by leveraging their vulnerability. I would call someone who identifies as a feminist as feminazi (combination of Femi - feminine & Nazi - an evil person who wants to use power to control and harm other people). Turns out this term has also been used by trolls to silence women who speak of sexism or other similar wrongdoings. Well, I was in a way trying to silence women, by having stereotypes and prejudice inherited due to living in a conservative environment which has always viewed as a woman having no purpose but to 'meet' a man's demand, whatever that may be. I didn't even know what feminism was at that time and what women were fighting against and for. I wasn't a jerk per se, or would harass or abuse women, however, I would behave in a way for a woman to not feel as much comfortable due to the inherited beliefs, some degree of misogyny, and a lack of understanding about the spectrum of harm.

While I never intended to cause harm, these seemingly small actions, now understood as microaggressions and potentially even examples of benevolent sexism, could have made others feel dismissed, unheard, and like their boundaries were being infringed upon. I now understand that even unconscious biases can lead to behaviors that have a real negative impact.

The Scars of Sexual Trauma

In the spring of 2019, I met a remarkable woman; it wasn't only her beauty that intrigued me but also her intelligence, humility, and kindness. Every now and then, she'd open up about her life, the good and the bad. As we became closer, she shared a deeply painful part of her life - she had been sexually abused multiple times in her childhood. The scars imposed on her have impacted her in many ways, she'd say. It was hard for her to open up about her sexuality and struggled with trust and intimacy, experienced anxiety and flashbacks, even a mere mention of "rape" would trigger intense distress.

The most disturbing part of this was that her abuser was free and still got to be around her in family events (yes, he was a relative of hers) even when most of her family knew of his actions. This also highlights the reality of how abusers get a 'free' pass and society tends to look the other way in such cases. Such situations perpetuate the abuse and severely hinder the survivor’s ability to heal. How can a person begin to heal when their abuser remains a constant presence in their life, serving as a reminder of their trauma?

The wounds of sexual trauma aren't just physical; the victim has to carry a burden of mental trauma that would be endured for the rest of her life. Healing is possible though, with the right support. It requires creating a society that holds perpetrators accountable, supports survivors, challenges the harmful norms that allow abuse to thrive - and each of us has a huge role to play in that, as you will see in the subsequent section of this blog post.

The Role of Bystanders

I would often call out my classmates or colleagues when they were involved in harassing a woman or commenting something inappropriate. The response I would usually get from them was along the lines of "Aren't you a man?" or "Do you not have the libido?" as if this very act demonstrated my manhood and engaging in such behaviour would make me appear as an Alpha male, who gets his way with women. They engage in catcalls or harassment because they think women are objects whom men can treat as they please and something to be 'won', as a trophy or a prize. While we cannot fight and change someone's mind, we can reason with them, call out when they are wrong.

The whole idea of bystander intervention is to disrupt and challenge harassment and assault by sending a clear message that these behaviors are unacceptable. It’s not limited to stopping the perpetrator; it's about supporting the victim and creating a safer environment. Such interventions can take any form - confronting or distracting the harasser, checking in with the person being targeted, or seeking help from someone in authority.

In the past, I had engaged in behaviours that made women feel unsafe. I do take ownership of my actions; while I was younger, it's not an excuse. I now recognize that my thinking was skewed by certain societal messages about masculinity and entitlement. I would, however, have greatly benefited if someone could reason with me why my behaviour was inappropriate because, in my mind, I wasn't doing anything wrong. Often we need someone to challenge our beliefs and show us the error of our ways before we can truly change.

"Always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor never the tormented." - Elie Wiesel

And the Fight Continues

Many brave women have come forward to speak out and share their experiences. This includes the origin of 'MeToo' - a powerful movement. The purpose of #MeToo wasn't to get men behind bars, as we're far away from a society and legal process that would understand the nuances involved in such cases; but about holding perpetrators accountable, amplifying the voices of survivors, and challenging the culture that allows sexual harassment and assault to flourish; to let the world know that women won't sit back and not do anything. They will retaliate with bravery against a system designed to help men. This movement has helped a lot of other women come forward and share their stories; sad and heartbreaking, but inspiring others to keep fighting against all the odds.

My own journey of unlearning the biases has proven how easy it is to internalize harmful stereotypes and contribute to the problem, even unintentionally. We all have a responsibility to educate ourselves, challenge our own thinking, build communities that support the survivors, and create a safe space. We need to listen to survivors, believe their stories, and work together to create a culture where sexual harassment and assault are no longer tolerated.